Yeti Hut
by Willowfly
Summary: A shameless crack fic and gift fic for Nineteenth Souljah based on her Sleng Teng 'verse. Reader beware: unbridled insanity within.


Yeti Hut

A Crack Fic BY Willowfly _a la_ Nineteenth Souljah

_A/N: This is a gift fic for my buddy Nadia, aka Nineteenth Souljah based on her Sleng Teng 'verse. It's partly good natured prodding at Leo, partly major crack fic. If you haven't read ST, go check it out. It's made of win XD_

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* * *

_…_While on his horse, the old herdsman stretched out his hand to Leo who seemed uncertain about travelling in such bad weather. His eyes conveyed an endearing trust; a promise that he'd bring Leo to the Yetis on time. Leo finally mounted the horse. As they rode across the steppes, the sound of the wind subsided to greet the singing voice of the herdsman as it echoed through the vastness. It was the power of song that comforted their souls, as they journeyed through uncertainties…_

_

* * *

_Uncertainties? Hell yes there were uncertainties. Leonardo tried not to make a face as he rode the rocky trail down the mountain steppes. He'd never dreamed in his _life _that he would ever even get near a horse, never less ride one. But he'd seen it done a million times by the herdsmen riding around the village. You get in the saddle and the horse walks around… right? Wrong. As if having a stomach full of seawater and pickled sheep's eyes wasn't enough.

He'd been a picture of concentration, staring at that saddled horse, envisioning it perfectly executed with the utmost skill. The herdsman had rolled his eyes a few times standing there with the horse's reigns in his hands. But Leo didn't mind, he was mentally preparing. With a breath he put his foot in the stirrup, ready to push himself off the ground, swing his other leg around and… the horse moved. He… hadn't prepared for that. And now he was hobbling sideways with one foot caught in the stirrup like an idiot. By the time he managed to pry his foot loose, the villagers had formed a chorus of uproarious laughter. Fantastic.

Ever since the night before, all the villagers he'd passed just couldn't keep a straight face around him. He'd gone from essentially a god in their eyes to one giant inside joke.

_Yes, I'm a lightweight. Hur hur, _he thought bitterly, _and now I can't even get on the damn horse._

Taking a deep breath, he let his shoulders fall, clearing his mind for another try. He took a step forward, the pony took a step sideways, twisting and writhing the reins in the laughing herdsman's hands. Another step forward, and the pony scuttled across the dusty ground with an agitated look on its face.

"I think it's afraid of me," Leo offered lamely, taking another careful step toward the wild-eyed mare. But no one made a move to help. The pony only sidled further away, its head erect and nostrils flaring. It obviously had never seen a 'reptile man' before.

Training his eyes on the herdsman's laughing worn leather face, Leo gave him a stern look. He was the picture of seriousness, demanding respect and accepting nothing but … he was still laughing. "Could somebody hold the horse? Please!" He prayed, as if any one of them could speak a lick of English. But he'd learned better a long time ago, so he tried a different route. He plastered on his Leader Face again.

"_Mori…" _he paused, searching the crowd for a single merciless soul and his brain for the right words in Mongol . He locked eyes with a particularly robust and weather-worn man. "_Sanbannu… mori? _Please?" He begged, pointing to the horse.

Leo could have kissed the ground that man walked upon when he stepped forward, sidling up to the mare and pressing his hands to her side. He started his cautious approach again, arm extended like a peace offering, palm open, walking ever so slowly toward the saddle. He could see the whites of her eyes popping out of her head, following his every move. When his fingertips touched the leather of the saddle, he let out a breath.

_Ok, clear your mind, envision it perfectly and… _his foot was in the stirrup again, just ready to lift himself off the ground when the pony skidded sideways again, planting its hoof down hard on the large man's foot. "_Gii Chii Pizda_!" The now red-faced man yelped, rushing out of the way.

But Leo would not fail again! Failure was not an option! Springing from the ground, he swung his leg over and settled not-so-comfortably into the pony's saddle. But the mare had other plans. Breaking free from the herdsman's grasp, she pulled her head downward and sprung off the ground like a rodeo bronco. But Leo had plans of his own. He'd just got on the thing. He was sure as heck not going to fall off. So he leaned forward, clamping with his knees and grabbed hold of the leather reigns, yanking them backward as hard as he could.

The mare stopped, bending her head down lazily to crop at a rouge sprig of grass. Leo couldn't help the broad, goofy smile spreading across his face as the crowd's laughter turned into cheers.

* * *

So there he was, scaling the mountain steppes on the Tengu Horse from Hell he'd secretly named _Gii Chii Pizda _from the string of curse words the large farmer had blurted. He guessed it meant something along the lines of "bitch," but it didn't matter. It was all the same to him.

Riding ahead of him was the herdsman, who of course had mounted his grey horse without even blinking. But Leo was determined not to let that get to him. _Nope. Can't be the best at everything. Heheheheh. Blargh. _

It was starting to become some sort of a mantra after a while.

The Mongolian countryside beautiful, though. It never ceased to mesmerize him. Large stretching mountain slopes still clung to winter despite the patches of green in the valleys. Trickles of spring water bubbled from the thawing ice along the worn dirt trails. Unfortunately, Leo couldn't really take his mind off of the strange places the saddle was pinching his legs. Every step was a whole new sensation of obnoxious stabbing. But at least the herdsman had given up trying to make him steer the pony after the thing decided to wander off the path and stop to graze at every blade of grass it saw. After the fourth time he was beginning to wonder if he should have named the thing Raphael or Michelangelo instead.

So the herdsman had rigged up a tow rope of sorts, dragging them listlessly behind. But that only left Leo to dwell on things he probably shouldn't be dwelling on like… how much longer he could ride like this without his butt falling asleep or… how those sheep's eyes popped like grapes in his mouth. Horrible, nauseating grapes full of horrendous _slime_ that ran down the back of his throat. He couldn't stifle his shudder.

Rounding the bend of a tall green mountain hill, the light wind sang through great crevices, the melodious trickle of winter's thaw rivers joined in like an angelic hymn played upon a flute. The grey sky broke free of its bonds of clouds and a sparkling ray of sunlight pierced through the dust and heavenly fog. Rainbows pierced the sky like the mist you get when you squirt a garden hose into the sunlight. They were perched at the top of the great green valley where the winding dirt path plummeted into a shroud of mist, and Leo was suddenly thinking about exactly what the herdsman's wife had spiked his tea with.

The herdsman turned his weather-tanned face toward him, then motioned down the path with a grin, finger extended. "Yeh teh."

"You want me to go down there?" He asked hesitantly. The herdsman only nodded. So with a breath, Leo dismounted his Tengu Horse from Hell and began his journey through the fog.

The trail was winding, and the thick mist was suffocating. It smelled oddly of herbs and gathered in his lungs like a thick smoke. As he waded further through, he swore his ears deceived him. The faint rhythm of drums, pulsing like a heartbeat through the smoke tangled air grew louder and louder. As he neared its center, a voice began to drone through the air…

_"Don't worry about a thing,  
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.  
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,  
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"_

Leonardo rubbed his watering eyes. The smoke was starting to make him giddy. There was no denying it. The music seemed to float through the air on currents of wind and colored smoke. He smiled shyly, squinting into the thick mist at the dark figure that sat by the roadside ahead.

_Rise up this mornin',  
Smiled with the risin' sun,  
Three little birds  
Pitch by my doorstep  
Singin' sweet songs  
Of melodies pure and true,  
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"_

"I think I'm hallucinating," Leo giggled to the dark man perched on an old tree stump. Though he was dressed in traditional Mongol clothes, his long dread locks swayed with every rise and fall of his voice.

_Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,  
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."  
Singin': "Don't worry don't worry 'bout a thing,  
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"_

He stood there for a moment, watching the dark man sit jammin' on his guitar, a thick joint clenched between his teeth. All of the smoke and fog seemed to be coming from that one roach.

_Rise up this mornin',  
Smiled with the risin' sun,  
Three little birds  
Pitch by my doorstep  
Singin' sweet songs  
Of melodies pure and true,  
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"_

Once the verse was finished, the dark man took his hand off his guitar, perching it upright on the ground beneath his other hand as he dragged the joint out of his mouth. He gave Leo a mellow nod before blowing a halo of smoke to join the rest of the rising fog in the air. "Wassu doin' here, mon?" The dark man laughed, his dread locks bouncing with every nod and every syllable.

"I'm looking for the Yeti," Leo informed him before becoming suddenly entranced by his own hands. "And my hands are really, really big."

The man bobbed his head as if he still heard music playing in his brain and smiled, leaning forward with one hand balanced on his guitar. "Well you're goin' the right way, mon. If jah wanta be wrong."

"What does that even mean!" Leo huffed before he broke out into spontaneous laughter. The man had a beard and somehow, it was simply outrageous.

"It means you were goin' tha wrong way, yah genius. I think tha smokes done gettin' to yah."

"I think so tooooooo," Leo giggled, wiggling his fingers in front of his face. "So which way is the right way?"

The dark man pointed the way with his joint. "Yeh be goin' that way if yah wanta meet the Yeti."

"That way?" Leo asked, facing the direction the dark man had pointed. The man only bobbed his head rhythmically in response. "Oh. Okay, I'll be going that way then. Thanks."

Stumbling back into the directionless fog, he could hear the dark man's song fading into nothing.

_Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!  
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"  
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!  
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."_

He immediately caught himself bobbing and swaying to the music, stiffening self-consciously. Clearing his throat, he blinked a few times, rubbing his reddened eyes. But when they focused again, the fog had begun to clear, parting like the Sea of Galilee to reveal something so beautiful, so miraculously inspiring, Leonardo just couldn't keep himself from falling to his knees. He dipped down into a full bow, worshipping the ground he walked upon for it was indeed holy ground. And then, he ran to ecstasy.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE PEPPERONI?!" Leo screamed at the top of his lungs. He didn't care if he was making a scene, he didn't care if Pizza Hut served the crappiest pizza ever known to man, he didn't care if the guy behind the register was a ten foot talking yeti covered head to toe in snow white fur, dressed in a Pizza Hut uniform, complete with visor and nametag that read "Paul." After three goddamn _months _of eating nothing but mutton HE WANTED PIZZA, DAMMIT.

The yeti only stared back at him lazily, making it a point to scratch his hairy ass before pointing to the glowing menu tacked to the wall above. "Mutton only," the ape said curtly, turning away from him with a smirk.

And then, Leo screamed.

Fin.

_A/N: There! It's done! Souljah, you owe me a ninja grope. Or better yet… ten ninja gropes! Everyone else… I'm sorry. My head is just filled with this type of useless shit :P_


End file.
